I truly believe everything in life happens for a reason. This thought has been shared time and time again. When I relive my experiences in detail, the picture becomes clear just how true this sentiment is.
While attached to a feeding tube with the pain relatively under control, I was able to better focus my thoughts on what was happening to me. Daily entries into my Journal did give comfort, in ways I did not realize until the years that followed.
When life knocks me down, I often refer to the pages I wrote all those years ago. I am humbled how much that experience really changed my outlook on life. What I thought were big things, really were the smallest details of my life. Below are two pages from my Journal. I apologize for the penmanship, I was on a lot of pain medications at the time. The “wonder juice” I note, is one of those such medications.
At this point I knew the surgery was going to be the ultimate outcome. As much as I did not want to admit that fact, I just knew. After a number of days with my digestive system having a rest, the doctors wanted to try solid food. First with a simple slice of toast with jam. Then later that day Beef Stroganoff with carrots. As you see, this did not go over well. I remember crying from the intense pains. Even with pain meds it was unbelievable.
I lost an incredible amount of weight. The trial of food and the consequences thereof sealed the deal in my mind. I was obviously going to be in the hospital for a greater amount of time. What else were they able to do? I soon discovered there was one last “Hail Mary” before resorting to surgery. Which I will discuss next week.
By looking back at life’s hardships, we gain a stark reminder of how strong we are during the most challenging of times. For me, it was not clear at the time. I honestly would lay in bed recalling my life to that point. Remember the good times, regret the times I made poor decisions & most of all think of all the journeys of life I would be missing. The night after I ate, I could not see how I was going to survive. I know now, there was a small likelihood I would have lost my life. At the time though, under the influence of the medications, my mind could not see the big picture.
“I AM FIGHTING” is all I could repeat in my mind to keep me from letting go. To this day, I repeat those three words in my mind when I feel like giving in to my circumstance.